What's wrong with me?
I know this is very weird, it is a kind of mental disaster and I don't even sure if I'm right about this.
I have never been a very social person in all my life- I had many friends at primary school though- , I don't have many friends as the average people (currently), I think that is not bad, although it is not completely good, it is just I don't get on with all people, I'm different to them, most of teenagers have different ideas to me. I mean it is ok, each person has a world inside, but sometimes just I can't deal with it.
It is very complicated when I have to work in teams, first of all, find a team is not easy, most of people don't want me in their teams sometimes because I like to work instead play all the time, my ideas I think are cleverer the most of times than their ideas, of course I know recognise when someone else has got a good one. Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius. I prefer to work by myself or with my closest friend, nobody else.
Lately when I have to work in teams just I can't deal with the people who surround me, I prefer to organize everything in a facebook chat instead talk to them, because just I can't, I know that sounds weird, but I feel very desperated being with another people who is normal for me. I mean normal for me is that they do things that everyone else does, who fall in love with the first person they see, who can't think and just do anything someone asks them to do without ask why? and a lot of different things that just I can't bear with. I try to be polite but sometimes I can't at all and start being sarcastic and feeling angry inside.
There are times I just want to stay away of everyone, I don't want to talk to anybody, just be alone in a dark place, in silence or listening an instrumental song. There are times I feel depressed, or I don't even know if it is depression, it is a lot of strange feelings- This is what I call a crisis. I have suffered them for several years and I have a lot of feelings that I can't completely explain when a crisis happens to me. The only thing I know about these crisis is that they make me feel miserablein very different ways. Besides each time someone talks to me about his/her problems I can't feel bad as I should, I try to, but I can't, it is a bit weird but I can't force to my heart or whatever -I know is the hippocampus- to feel anything.
I thought everything was alright with me, I mean I don't like some people but that was all, but looking up for information about what a sociopath was -Yes, thanks to Sherlock- I discovered I have some symptoms and I'm on the age when these appears in people, so I started investigating more and more, even I did a test on internet, the results were I am a sociopath, but it is internet stuff so I can't be sure.
Anyways, some of the things internet says suit me, should I be worried? In fact I'm not, it's like I have been always waiting for it. Something that always was there.
And this doesn't mean I will be walking around killing people, no. It's just I will always prefer stay away of them, or of most of them.
Because a sociopath is a person with antisocial behaviour, who sometimes lies, and manipulate people, and is irritable, and gets bored really easily, her/his mood is generally discontent and anger. But not always a serial killer.
And yes I get bored really easy, that's why I don't like school, because I get bored, I love learning really I love it, but I can't bear staying all day sitting in a chair surrounded by noisy people, I'm irritable and it is something that I have tried to change with no good results. I'm not a bad person, I'm just a bit different. And I like music and having fun, and I'm not avoiding people all the time, only sometimes when I can't bear with all around me, even I have a little group of close friends and I love them, and I interact with people on internet and I feel ok. I'm friendly but sometimes I can't control myself.
Or maybe I just got tired of being the nerd boffin girl, and I started internally to hate everyone when I tried to hide my feelings to don't be hurt by the people who used to say they were my friends and actually just were waiting for a proper moment to stab me.
I'd like to describe with words how I feel sometimes, but I haven't found the correct words yet, it's a mix of feelings that make me feel that I'm kind of insane, because I don't see anybody else (in real life) feels like this.
Another fact about me, is that my type of personality is INTP, "logic", I'm one of the 3% of population with this type of personality, rare, and with a lack of understanding other's feelings, it is not intentional, but it is what it is. I'll make another post explaining this type of personality because I think is very interesting.
What do you think? Am I the only one? Am I totally crazy? Am I sociopath or just a person who doesn't like people? What's wrong with me?
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